On Reading

I love reading. I do not remember an event in my childhood or adolescence that triggered or motivated me to read. And I do not know if it is in my genes. I used to read every book I put my hand on since I was 11 years old. I started to buy my books only when I landed my first job. The pleasure was one reason behind the reading. Freedom was the second. Books were my sanctum that protected me from feeling lonely and abandoned. The more I read, I thought at the time, the more I will be free from the feeling of inferiority and insecurity. The thought was by reading I will become better than those who negated and rejected me for who I was. I have not been an absurd anomaly, but I was reticent; I only socialized if I must. I used to read to “know” because knowledge will liberate me from being a blind follower. I used to adulate my books. I resisted underlining a sentence or highlighting a paragraph. Writing on the margin of the pages was an act of negligence and disrespect.

Reading is an act of knowing, learning, and unlearning.

After that, I transformed my mindset from reading to know and set free to reading for meaning and truth. I learned to search for my life. These constant conflicts, fights, and struggles I get involved or dragged into on every day in my life must have a purpose. The continuous dichotomous battles in my mind of the justice and despotism, the virtue and the immoral, the wisdom and the absurdity of the universe, the belief, and disbelief, must all have a meaning.

I found that searching for meaning and truth is equivocal and necessitate a change of mindset again. Now I read to be better. I read to learn. And to unlearn. The most exciting feeling is when you read a text you feel as if the words are sweeping into the cells of your mind and cleanse or reorder what have been shelved there for long. I read to be indispensable, irreplaceable, and formidable. I read to be a good father, husband, and leader, a leader with one follower, myself. I reckon you do not need an audience to be a leader of your life.